I Never Thought I Could Have EverythingBy the time anyone reads this, it will have been months or maybe years since I've written it. I've probably hovered over the "Post" button a couple dozen times. In a sense, this post goes against a conviction I hold dear... I'm not "coming out." I share this post with no hard feelings, no regrets and about as much humility as I can muster. I hope the tone and words I use reflect that.
Coming out--a term and practice I disagree with--happened long ago. I came out when I finally admitted to myself that God loves me the way that I am. I came out during years of therapy where I battled internally every day. I came out to a loving family when I needed support during the most grueling trials of my life.
I don't feel it is necessary to explain myself or make any sort of announcement. I'm the same Spencer I've always been. I love the same things. I have the same friends and family. The difference is that you may now know something about me you previously did not.
You may be wondering why I'm writing this. Well, here it is:
I'm here to tell you that I'm moving on. For 25 years, I was scared of what everyone else thought of me. Your opinion of me was once more important than my self-respect. Though I still may care about you and your thoughts, I love myself and my life enough to live it for me.
I needed some time to find myself--by myself. As harsh as that may seem, radio silence became the solution, and my personal gauge of happiness became my companion. But the radio silence is over, my friends. I am not ashamed of who I am nor the personal progress I have made. I love writing, and I'm excited to feel like I'm back in control of what is being shared.
There's a depth to the situation that many people have yet to acknowledge. There is so much to be said, but now is not the time. If you have questions, I am more than happy to address them. I intend to be a resource for those who may not yet understand, a place to go if you feel burdened, a shoulder to cry on if you or a loved one are struggling and love you in spite of our differences.
There is a way for us all to co-exist and love each other regardless of our difference of opinion, religion or comfort level.
This is not a pity party. I am not asking for you to agree or disagree with my choices. It is a miracle that a boy like me has finally found the peace he deserves and has fought to attain. I'm not coming out, I'm coming alive.
None of this is new to me. I've been dating a wonderful "dude" for the past year and a half. We improve each other, we challenge each other, we love each other, at times we tolerate each other, but most of all, I'm so happy when I'm with him.
|Colton and I in San Francisco - Memorial Day 2014|
To those of you who have stood with me and uplifted me through thick and thin over the past few years... I thank you in the sincerest manner possible. Because of you, I am alive. Because of you, I have faith that human beings can love one another regardless of their differences. Because of you, I am the person that I am today. Because of you, I know what unconditional love really is.
I can truthfully say that my relationships with my family, my friends and myself are the best they've ever been. Because now I finally see that even on the worst of days... That is my everything.